damn her!

I don't understand myself sometimes. Why would I be so afraid of her? Why can't I say what I want when I see her? She's just a bitch and I can't talk to her to defend myself. I talked with her pretty well today, giving her an attitude and everything, and when she left, my hand started shaking. What the hell is wrong with me? I swear, I shouldn't be afraid of a woman who thinks she is better than everyone else. I always think about scenarios where I'm not afraid to confront her. But when I do see her, they all seem to leave my head. What kind of person am I going to grow up to be? I can't imagine it.Will I be able to defend myself when I grow up? Will I be able to defend my family if something were to happen? I hate her. Most importantly, I hate myself.

This is fun

Reading blogs from friends and writing my own entries makes me realize a lot of things. I get to know them indirectly, and learn what would be the best way to comfort them. Writing a blog hasn't become a hassle, it's pretty fun expressing yourself because these days, it's pretty hard to. When you grow older, you learn that people have feelings too and then you have to think about the other person. It would be nice if the other person thought so too, but you can't expect people to be what you want to be. As a result, we tend to keep things inside ourselves and forget that we also have feelings and thoughts that should be let out once in a while. Anyways, I got an email from the SAT prep I signed up for and I got really excited. This summer is going to be different, I'm going to make sure of that. But I don't know if I should have a Sweet 16. It's such a hassle and the money is a big problem. I don't want to waste my mom's money just because I'm turning 16, but I want to get presents >.< on my birthday. I know I suck but who doesn't want presents on their birthday and friends to spend the day? I have roughly a month to figure out what to do, maybe things might make a turn for the better and it wouldn't be so hard.

I really want next week to come already!! I hate staying home all day! Must pump my basketball and play some with my sister.

So yea

This summer, I'm going to be a changed person. I keep saying that every summer but this time, I'm for real! This summer consist of jogging,work, prep, and helping my mom. I am jogging everyday before I go to work or prep for maybe an hour. I am finally working! But it doesn't feel like work because I'm going to be doing what I do every saturday and sunday, but just getting paid. SAT!! OMG PSAT and SAT this junior year! I'm aiming for a 2000, a 1800 isn't bad either :D My mom has been mad stress lately and I finally realize how stupid and selfish I am. I keep thinking about myself and haven't realize what my mom has been going through. I know how to fully do that laundry now so I can help with that. I have a income now, so I can help some. Oh, and for junior year, I am going to fully commit myself to school work. No more facebook, aim, and or any distracting sites. I know that if i put all my effort into school, I can beat some of those smart kids cause they're not really smart, they cheat. I'm not smart either but I have some intelligence that has been hiding away because I'm too lazy. I'm so random, I just write whatever comes to mind so DEAL WITH IT :D I'm actually excited for SAT, but I hope I get it cause I signed up too late T___T But one thing I won't stop doing is checking my mail, it doesn't take a long time and I can check facebook updates without going on facebook!! I am also going to continue daydreaming, just when I'm not learning. It's a bad addiction, but it's so sweet at the same time. I wrote a lot today, that's because I haven't written daily. I won't promise that I will write everyday because I'm also cutting back computer time during the summer. I probably go on the computer twice or three times a week?? Sophomore year was the worst year of my life, I'm not letting junior year be the same. I'm going to make sure I do really good in my classes and get into a good college, get a good job, and take care of my awesome mommy and sis, who I want to kill sometimes.

Death

Death is a funny thing. You see it coming but with all your might, you pray it won't. I've never known have to react to death. There's pity when I read about death in the newspaper, but that's it. But today, someone close to me has passed away. The tears that fell felt weird, I didn't know why they fell. It hurts to know that I should have find more time to spend with this person, but because I was lazy, I kept pushing back the date. I'm going to miss the times when I see him eat so much food. Though there wasn't much talking, the times we went to chinese restaurant were memorable. I didn't know why he continue coming to us, asking us to go out and eat, but he did. He was a special man. I really hoped that the phone call that came today was telling us he got better, but all things must come to an end. He was very sick near the end, I hope that he's happier and comfortable in Heaven. May God Be With You.

R.I.P The Great Old Man Who Couldn't Stop Eating

Crying

I never felt like giving up so bad. Today was the day I felt the true meaning of loneliness. When the closest person betrays you, you start crying like it's the end of the world. I thought she would be there and fight with me, but today i realize in a battle, there's no one there but you. If only I wasn't a coward, I would.....................

consume

Consume by hatred, so strong that it feels like i could end someone's life. Mine's.

Hate

They say hate is a strong word, and that we should use dislike. But in my case, I can use the word hate. I literally despise my family. We don't understand each other, we only think about ourselves. We think we are considerate, but we're not. We're all selfish creature who can't stand each other. I hate how I have to pretend, even in my own house. Isn't "home" suppose to be a sanctuary? I take comfort being by myself, anywhere but home. I hate all of them. And in the end, I hate myself the most. For being who I am and how I treat others.

I don't know anymore

I thought my feelings were finally
gone.
But when I saw you again,
memories flooded back to me.
I don't know what my feelings are,
is it love
or just a crush?
It would be nice
if someone would help
me out.

uh oh

i am so nervous right now. i'm always overreacting. can't help it though, personality. it makes me who i am even though that might be a lame excuse.blah!! wish a sign would just come, i don't mind a little one, as long as there is one. help me!!

i sometimes hate you

You are the light in my dark room,
but you are also my cloud to the beaming sun.
Every time I want to give up,
you are there to encourage me.
But you can cause me to hate myself,
hate myself for not being better,
for not being the person you want me to be.
When I think of you,
I don't know if I should live on
or leave this sad sad world.
You are my warmth in my winter self,
but you are also my sorrow in my happiness.

Shit

I fell for it
again and again.
What an idiot.
I lead myself to
disappointment
and
dissatisfaction.
I should stop being so
trustworthy.
In the end,
I'm the only one left behind
in the cold.

Woot Woot!

I am able to keep a blog for more than a week!!
I am so proud of myself~~
Feels a need to celebrate =D
Bring in the cake!

When I thought

When I thought,
I finally found a place in life,
you push away from me.
You do this every time,
do you know how much you're hurting me?
Can you feel my pain,
is it nonexistent to you?
When I thought,
I could call you my friend,
you back away and
hold up a stop sign.
Do you know how much my tears
burn?
When I thought,
I can open up again,
you tell me to close it back up.
What do I mean to you?

Wow

For no apparent reason, I was just overwhelmed with the need to cry. To let everything out
My heart hurts,
consumed by the overwhelming sadness.
Can you help me?
Sitting here,
and thinking about nothing
and just about everything.
It hurts,
to know the time that has passed
cannot come back again.
Can you help me?
All i need is for all those times
to come back to me.
And everything is going to be okay.

Some people

Some people just piss the f*** out of me. They're nice when the ask for help, but when I need help, they completely forgot everything. Like I don't know you don't want to tell me, but aren't we "friends"? Aren't friends supposed to help each other for help? I could have said no every time you asked for help, but i didn't. I didn't because I'm a fucking nice person and don't know how to say no, and you use that for your fucking advantage. How does it feel when the whole world isn't there for you when you need help? You wouldn't fucking know cause you're the one manipulating everyone to get what you want. You keep saying you hate those kind of people, but you're just one of them. Don't pretend you're all innocent and shit, I can see behind the freaking mask you put on. You're always saying how sad your life is and i listen, but when I want to tell you how I feel, you freaking don't care. Do you have issues? Why the hell do you think the world revolves around you? It doesn't, for cry out loud. Why don't you look yourself in the mirror for once, and truly see the kind of person you are. Trust me, you'll be shocked at yourself.

sigh...

there's so much influences around me, it annoys me sometimes. i should always live above the influence,but when every single person is acting the same way, it's pretty hard to ignore. i should also stop daydreaming....can't tell the difference between reality and dreams anymore..am i going crazy? i shouldn't be since i know what my problem is and that is always the first step in curing yourself, right? hmmm a lot on my mind but i can't seem to find the answers, maybe they're right in front of my eyes and i'm just too blind to see them, i tend to only see the things i like to see and not what i need to see. Is everyone like this? It would be nice to know, to know you're not only in this world. Makes me think about friends...what is the definition of friends? is there even a definition of friends? if there's no exact definition of love, there's probably none for friends. hmmm i think i need a change in environment...it would help a lot...but where?? so random but isn't that how it should be? randomness = peace

I love them

I fucking love my family, i love them so much that i fucking hate them. They give me so much love and support (Note:heavy sarcasm). How come parents fucking think they understand their kids when they know anything? They understand because we're "their kids". Fuck that. Just because we're "your kids" doesn't mean you understand us. You're not us. We try to understand you because you work hard for the family, but have you tried to understand what we feel? If you "have", then you have failed miserably.

Take me away

Take me away from this cold cold world.
Tell me everything's going to be okay,
that you'll be there to share your warmth.
Take me away from this sad sad world.
Bring me to the other side of the universe,
where everything makes sense
and nothing matter.
Take me away from this miserable world
and say you love me.

Need

I freaking need to curse someone out. Tired like shit. Everything is worthless.Nothing makes sense.

Giving Up

What is the point of waking everyday to the same thing? There's no meaning to life when nothing makes sense. The things we face everyday are personal demons sent from hell. They make sure you never smile for real again. They make sure there's no one around you to care for you. Life is a gift. Life is also torture. Why can't we all become sleeping beauty? But then who's going to be our prince?

i promise

i promise to keep my mouth shut from now on. I did not know how much my words could hurt you. I didn't know the act you were putting on meant the many pains you were suffering. I hope you can forgive the ignorant me. I'm sorry.

so many...

secrets. People have so many secrets, wouldn't it be nice to tell someone about it sometimes? I wish i have to courage to do that. But the feeling of exposing yourself is so terrifying, you automatically shrink back into your shell. One day. One day soon, I'm going to let the whole world know my secrets and then they can tell me who I am now, without any burden.

some people

just don't know the truth. They think they know everything but they really don't. There's a reason why someone would talk so much about a certain topic, because its true. I wish they would just relax and chill. Life would be so much easier. Oh wellz! No one's perfect, neither am i so i have absolutely no rights to to tell a person what to do.

so so scared

everything terrifies me. wish i was a little kid again, where nothing matter except barbie dolls.

Third times the charm

The third time i made a blog, hope it sticks this time.